Talk is Cheap

It's stupid.

2009-11-28T00:27:00.000-08:00

I'm paranoid. I care, and it's scary. I'm not used to giving a shit. I feel, vulnerable and I hate it. It's making me clingy and smothering. I will not be that girl who drives the only one she wants away because she has no self-confidence. My problems are not anyone else's responsibility. I do not need to be babied. I will make my decisions and face their consequences. My decision is to stop not trusting myself. My decision is to trust that what I've got...isn't going anywhere.

Cults

2009-11-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

For some reason I've been immersed in information about cults recently. I'm sitting ing anthropology right now and we're talking about them at the moment. I recently read a book called "The Room" (maybe, I can't really remember the name) tat was about cults as well. And I really really really really really wanna watch that AMC mini series called The Prisoner which based off the commercials is about cults too.

I've always been really interested in cults in general. Is that weird? I find them fascinating over-all. How is anyone stupid enough to fall for that crock of bullshit. How are cult leaders so charismatic that they can convince their followers that they are God and that having sex with little kids is okay? I just don't understand it I guess. I mean I know they prey on the weak, and those who are looking for a sense of belonging, but still no matter how broken down I was I'm pretty sure if some creepy guy with a big ass beard said "I'm God, now let me fuck your kids" I'd be a littler weirded out.

I wonder is BSU offers a course on cults. That would be really interesting.

Up all night, got demons to fight.

2009-11-16T17:19:00.001-08:00

I'm constantly running from the past. It feels. Every song reminds me of someone, every picture on this damn computer has a million memories attached to it. I got this tattoo on my side to remind me to stop. STOP running from all the memories. Live for the moment. I can't. I can't let go. Everything used to be so damn different. I miss Tualatin and Tigard. I miss my friends and I miss my enemies. I miss the way things used to be so simple. I miss playing Halo and I miss Moe's. I miss Ibach park and I miss being innocent. I feel like I'm dragging the weight of every relationship, romantic or not, around my shoulders every second of every fucking day. I just want to put these dumbbells down and fucking live. I just want to have the ability to forget. I've constantly reminded myself that every person I choose to love is another liability for a broken heart. I need to let go.

I will wait for you.

2009-11-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

Don't leave. Please don't. I know I'm hard to handle, but trust me. It can be done. It's been done before. Just don't leave.

Awake.

2009-11-14T05:06:00.000-08:00

It's approximately 6:05 in the morning and I'm awake. Although I wake up every night at least once sometimes it just hits me and I CAN'T go back to bed. It starts out like I need a glass of water or I need to go to the restroom than once I'm up I'm fucked. I'm up for good. Maybe I'll go lay back down, or maybe not. If I do, I'll probably get up again and than Cass will think I'm crazy and he'll have to get up to check on me again and that's not right seeing as how he just got hit by a car yesterday (D:<). Okay. I seriously just spent 5 minutes figuring out how to make that smiley work with the parenthesis around it. I'm going to bed.

PS: I'm taking choir next semester and much to the surprise of everyone in concert choir senior year and myself.... I'm actually really excited.

So, I've always known biking was dangerous.

2009-11-13T13:22:00.000-08:00

Excuse me, but if you fucking hit my boyfriend on his BIKE in your CAR why on earth would he pay for your windshield?

I feel so bad, not like anything is my fault, and not like I could have done anything, but I feel bad because Cassidy messed up his bike (aka his second baby), he's hurt (not gonna die hurt but still), and it causes unnecessary stress for someone who doesn't deserve it at all. I don't know why on earth this jackass feels like Cass owes him a damn thing.

It's scary you know, the way things happen. You never expect anything. Everyday just seems like another typical day. Cassidy is simply riding his bike to class, nothing out of the ordinary. It's terrifying to think that he could have been seriously hurt. You never know what's going to happen. Yeah, he's okay but the thought of how I would be if he wasn't terrifies me. I hate the unpredictability of life. I hate never knowing what's going to happen. Sometimes I wish things could be scripted, and I could know that in the end everyone and everything that matters to me is going to be okay. I know though, that nothing lasts. And that scares me so much.

I guess I have some things to say.

2009-11-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

I guess.

Mainly though I need a place to bitch and whine and be a little baby and be way over dramatic and not follow the rules of pretending. Which I'm allowed to do here, because fuck, that's what blogs are for. So here it is.

I need a fucking job, but I don't want to work at some lame ass retail store, and act like a person that I'm not. Act like a person who cares about fashion, and customer service. I don't want to work as some receptionist for some office where all the people are older, and no one wants to gossip with me. I don't want to work somewhere where my co-worker do their shit than leave. I want Moe's back. I want to deep fry slices of tortilla and talk about my life, and KNOW the people that I work with. Know I care about them, and somewhere, maybe, they care about me. I miss when going to work was a chance to hang out with my friends and I miss playing pranks on each other every day. I want to work somewhere where the people who I'm around actually get what the fuck I'm talking about.

I think that working at a used bookstore out here would be awesome. I think I'll look into that. Maybe. I'm notoriously lazy, you know?